


To Fight For You

by bluedragoninamber



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attachment is just another word for love, Dark, Depression, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Families of Choice, Gen, Jedi Code, Jedi Code Breaking, Jedi Council Judgments, Jedi Temple Law, M/M, Mace is on the Council and Yoda is Grandmaster, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Nobody is perfect, Padawan Braids, Suicide Attempt, The Dark Side of the Force, Triggers, Vaapad, Yoda is master to both Mace and Qui-Gon, altered character backstories, discussion of past teenage relationships, legal age on Coruscant is 20, overprotective Mace, past relationship that could be viewed as statutory rape, paternal Yoda, suicide aftermath, training bonds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6790282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedragoninamber/pseuds/bluedragoninamber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Qui-Gon callously discards Obi-Wan in order to train the Chosen One, Obi-Wan chooses the only path that he feels is left to him.  That choice will set into motion a series of events that no one, not even the Jedi, saw coming.</p><p>For Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Mace Windu, the path of their lives will change irrevocably and, whether for good or for evil, they will never be the same again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Have I Done?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bertie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Live By Your Words](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6593053) by [markwatnae (bertie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/pseuds/markwatnae). 
  * Inspired by [Comfort](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6823486) by [Inkognito97](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkognito97/pseuds/Inkognito97). 



** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

 ** AN ** **: This story is a gift for Bertie and was inspired by Bertie’s amazing, incredible, astounding story “Live By Your Words” which gives us the resolution to Qui-Gon’s treatment of Obi-Wan before the Council when he throws his padawan aside for the sake of Anakin. I fell in love with the story and asked permission to write a story borrowing the same ideas. Bertie agreed, and I am extremely grateful. Please go and read that story! See the link in the notes.**

**My story is much darker than Bertie’s story. It will be multiple chapters, but I have no idea how many. I am aiming to update once a week. Anything more than that is not promised.**

**I’m issuing a warning for mature content, language, possible triggers, and mental illness. There is an attempted suicide, though it is not graphic. This story deals with the aftermath of a suicide attempt. There will be a slash relationship between Qui-Gon and Mace Windu later as well, though it won’t start out that way. There may be sexual content between Qui-Gon and Mace (but not Obi-Wan). The rating is subject to change.**

**I’m using Bertie’s age for Obi-Wan and saying that he is twenty. It actually might help if you read Bertie’s story first and then come back to this one to get an idea of its situation in canon. My canon knowledge is shaky, so I borrowed Bertie’s canon. I will say that this story does pick up a week after the well-known Council scene in which Qui-Gon essentially discards Obi-Wan, his padawan, in order to be free to train Anakin Skywalker. By the way, if you’re looking for Anakin in this story, you should go elsewhere. He doesn’t get much time here. This is a story about Obi-Wan first and foremost as well as Qui-Gon, Mace Windu, and the consequences that come when messy mortal problems refuse to tie themselves up in perfect little bows.**

            Obi-Wan settled more securely into his hiding place and took one last look out over the city. Coruscant was beautiful at night, the city alive with light and sound. Sunrise was even more beautiful, especially here in his small little sheltered cave on the very outskirts of the city. But Obi-Wan wouldn’t be alive to greet it.

            He fought to exert calm over his body as he extracted the tiny vial from his pocket. He’d taken it from Qui-Gon’s stores in the small greenhouse that the elder Jedi tended occasionally. The flowers of the plant were dazzling, but the poison was deadly. It would take perhaps an hour to do its work, but it would be far more than an hour before anyone, either from the Temple or the city, would find him. This area was too far out for regular patrols by the city security, and as for the Jedi…Obi-Wan swallowed hard. They wouldn’t even realize he was missing until long after he was gone. And they wouldn’t care.

            Obi-Wan felt the tears starting again, and he did not even try to hold them back. In his mind, he saw his master standing before the Council, recommending him for his Trials when told that he could not have two padawans one moment and going into raptures over Anakin Skywalker the next. Obi-Wan had, by sheer force of will, managed to keep his face blank as he gave all the right responses, too stunned to do anything else.

            Then he’d watched his master take Anakin’s hand and walk away without a word or a backward glance, leaving Obi-Wan behind. There had been silence in the Council chambers after that, and Obi-Wan had fought to keep his emotions in check as the Council members stared at him. He’d managed to bow properly without meeting anyone’s eyes as he practically slunk from the room. He didn’t think he could stand to see the disapproval and disdain in their eyes since Qui-Gon had made it so very clear that he wanted nothing more to do with his padawan…essentially his former padawan in all but name.

            The next week had been a numbing collection of moments in which Obi-Wan found Anakin to be the sole possessor of Qui-Gon’s attention at every turn. Obi-Wan hadn’t bothered to go to his classes at all, and his master hadn’t even noticed. The elder Jedi seemed to have forgotten he existed, so wrapped up was he in Anakin. But Obi-Wan had still clung to the hope that his master, the man who had been his whole world for so many years, would come to his senses.

            And then Obi-Wan had reached for their training bond and had found it blocked. Even when his master had been mourning for Tahl, he had never blocked their bond. Blocking a training bond was illegal under Temple law. But Qui-Gon, ever the maverick Jedi, had blocked it anyway. Obi-Wan had realized that everything he’d been trying to deny was true.

            His master didn’t want him anymore. He wouldn’t even notice or care when Obi-Wan failed his Trials and was kicked out of the Temple because Qui-Gon had Anakin now. And Obi-Wan would, if he was lucky, spend the rest of his life as a miner or a farmer. Or if he wasn’t lucky, perhaps he would be a beggar or be picked up as a slave or…well, there were other even more unpleasant ways to survive.

            So Obi-Wan would take the choice that he did have…to act before his master and the Council could…to return to the Force.

            He would not call it suicide.

            The poison would be as easy as falling asleep except that he wouldn’t wake up again.

            _I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough, Master_. Obi-Wan thought. _May the Force be with you and Anakin, now and forever_.

            As Obi-Wan began to remove the stopper in the poison vial, his fingers brushed his loose red hair, hair that, until this afternoon, had been bound in a padawan braid. Fresh tears threatened to spill, but he clamped down hard on them. No more tears.

            The time for crying was over. With one last wordless apology against their blocked bond, Obi-Wan tipped the vial into his mouth and closed his eyes.

            Soon, he wouldn’t be anybody’s burden.

            Late that evening, after Anakin had fallen asleep on the couch and as Qui-Gon was debating on whether to bother taking Anakin to the Initiates Wing or to just let him sleep on the couch in his quarters, Mace Windu showed up at his door.

            Qui-Gon smiled to see his best friend, but one glance at Mace’s face told him that this was more than just a casual visit.

            Mace wasted no time. “Qui-Gon, where is Obi-Wan? He missed his lesson with me yesterday and today. It’s not like him at all.”

            That got Qui-Gon’s attention. “What do you mean, he missed your lessons? Surely he was there. Let me check his attendance records.” He activated his data pad and pulled up Obi-Wan’s records. He frowned in confusion.

            “This is strange. According to his records, he cut every one of his classes this week.” Qui-Gon’s bewildered look concerned Mace. Without another word, Mace turned and strode toward Obi-Wan’s bedroom, opening the closed door.

            The room was impeccably neat, too neat for a teenage boy, even one as organized as Obi-Wan. The bed was made to regulation precision, the simple furniture clean and dusted. But what caused Qui-Gon to gasp were the neat piles of things on the desk. Freshly washed and folded padawan clothing, ready to be recycled to the Temple storeroom. Toiletries, data pads, and Obi-Wan’s inactive comlink were in another neat pile to be sent to a separate department for redistribution.

            But the last items made Qui-Gon cover his mouth with his hand. There was Obi-Wan’s light saber, carefully disassembled and cleaned, laying in pieces. There was his identity card. There was Obi-Wan’s small stockpile of credits. There was the Force rock that Qui-Gon had given him as a birthday gift. And there were a handful of colorful beads that were once suspended in his padawan braid and the ties that had bound that braid. Beside the beads lay a note scribbled in Obi-Wan’s precise script on a page torn from one of Qui-Gon’s journals.

_Master,_

_I hope that I’ve made the process for disposing of my personal effects as easy as possible for you. Maybe you could buy Anakin a treat with the credits. I’m sure he would like that. I know you’ll keep the rock for him till he’s old enough to appreciate it. I’m sure the beads will suit him better than they did me._

_I’m sorry, Master. I hope that Anakin will be a better padawan to you than I was. May the Force be with you and with him forever._

_Obi-Wan Kenobi_

            Mace swallowed hard and looked pleadingly at his best friend. “Qui-Gon, please tell me that you know where Obi-Wan is?”

            Qui-Gon felt his heart drop into his stomach. He was too stunned to be anything but completely honest when he answered.

            “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him for a week. I’ve been busy with Anakin.”

            Mace frowned impatiently. “Well, check the bond then! We have to find him! He could be in trouble!”

            Qui-Gon looked ill. “It will take me a few minutes, Mace. You see, I…I blocked the bond a week ago after the Council meeting.”

            It was Mace’s turn to gasp. “You what? You blocked your training bond with him? Tell me you didn’t!”

            Qui-Gon tucked his hands into his robe to try and still their shaking. It didn’t work.

            “I figured it would only be for a little while. It was just that Obi-Wan didn’t particularly like Anakin, and I thought he needed to learn to accept the boy, which would be easier if he couldn’t hear me thinking about Anakin all the time.” Qui-Gon made a strangled sound.

            Mace’s voice, when he finally managed to speak, was full of unrealeased anger, and Qui-Gon dimly realized that his best friend had truly come to care for Obi-Wan.

            “You know as well as I do that blocking a training bond is illegal under Temple law, regardless of the circumstances! The damage it can do to the padawan’s mental balance is life-threatening if not fatal!”

            Qui-Gon almost felt like cowering in front of Mace. “It was only temporary,” he pleaded feebly, far too aware of the flimsiness of his justification even as he said it. “Once Obi-Wan learned his lesson and Anakin was more settled, I was going to unblock it.” He attempted an unconvincing shrug. “Obi-Wan will be taking his Trials soon, and then the bond will not matter anyway.”

            Mace struggled visibly to release his anger and only partially succeeded. The disgust in his eyes as he looked at Qui-Gon took his breath away.

            “As it happens, Qui-Gon, I had planned on coming to you today to tell you that the Council has decided to refuse to accept Obi-Wan for his Trials. The boy is coming along well in his skills. But he is simply not ready to take on the responsibilities of a knight and to function independently. It was decided that Obi-Wan should spend at least two, possibly more, years as your padawan.” He fixed a hard stare on Qui-Gon. “Under the circumstances, the Council has consented to accept Anakin for training, but Master Yoda will be his master, not you. You have a padawan already, one that we have already wasted enough time discussing rather than searching for!”

            Qui-Gon protested weakly. “But Anakin is already attached to me! Obi-Wan scarcely needs me anymore! I found Anakin, and I want to train him!”

            Mace’s voice was as dangerous as a lightsaber. “No, Qui-Gon, you have flouted the Code and the judgments of the Council for far too many years. In this at least, it stops here and now.” He chuckled bitterly. “You are the last person I would have thought of as craving glory, yet you seem to be unhealthily fixated on the idea of you and only you being the master of the Chosen One.”

            That finally brought Qui-Gon up short. “Craving glory? I…” he trailed off. His actions of the past week and the weeks before, every moment since finding Anakin flew through his unsettled mind. Realization crashed over him, and he staggered, steadying himself against Obi-Wan’s desk. Obi-Wan…his padawan.

            “You’re right.” The horror of the thought nearly overwhelmed him. He swore. “Small Gods, Mace! What have I done?”

            At that moment, the door to his quarters burst open admitting Master Yoda who looked both perfectly controlled and perfectly furious. Yoda’s glare felt like a saber burn when it settled on Qui-Gon.

            “Furious are we, Code or not, Qui-Gon Jinn. Found, the boy has been. Alive, the boy is but survive, the boy may not.” His hands tightened on his gimer stick. “Suicide, the boy attempted. Succeeded, very nearly, he did. From your own stores, the poison he chose. Fortunate we are, a passing stranger found him. Scanned him, the local med center did. On file from the Temple, his prints were. Stabilize him somewhat, they did and then brought him here.” Wearily Yoda gestured at Qui-Gon and Mace. “Go, you will! Watch over this boy, I will!”

            Emotions mutating into desperation, Qui-Gon fled the room, Mace at his side. The halls were quiet at the early hour, barely past midnight, so they were not in danger of trampling any unfortunate people in their path. The healing wing was in an uproar as Chief Healer Vokara Che and an assortment of others worked over the too-still body on the bed.

            “I don’t understand! We’ve flushed the poison from his body completely. Why isn’t he stabilizing?” She glanced up as Qui-Gon spoke.

            “Let me unblock our training bond,” he said, and as he cleared the passages in his mind that linked him to Obi-Wan, Healer Che rounded on him, looking perilously close to using the Force to fling him against the wall…or worse.

            “You blocked his training bond? You blocked the kriffing bond?” That the healer had actually cursed, especially such a strong curse within hearing of so many people, made it amply clear that Qui-Gon was lucky that Obi-Wan was her overriding concern.

            Qui-Gon was nearly feeling sick to his stomach as the full magnitude of what his ill-considered words, impetuous actions, and callous breaking of Temple law had caused finally revealed itself. And it only got worse when he managed to take down the strong block on the training bond and found…nothing.  

            “No!” Qui-Gon screamed, lunging toward the bed in an attempt to get to Obi-Wan. The last thing he felt was Mace using an incredibly strong Force compulsion on him that dragged him down into black oblivion.

            He woke to the familiar beeps of heart monitors and other medical equipment, his body cramped in a chair that was too small for his large frame. Blinking blearily, his eyes settled first on Mace, sitting slumped in a chair beside him and then flicked to the bed where Obi-Wan looked to simply be asleep, all the monitor readings reassuringly normal.

            Mace sat up, wincing as he stretched his muscles, sore from dozing in the chair. He glared at Qui-Gon.

            “Obi-Wan stabilized a few moments after the bond was reopened. I had to use that compulsion on you because you were not thinking clearly and might have injured him further trying to snatch him away like that.” There was no apology in his voice, mere explanation, but then, Qui-Gon hadn’t expected one. He didn’t deserve one, and Mace’s action had been more than justified.

            “What is his prognosis?” Qui-Gon asked. There were so many things he knew he should have been saying but too many emotional mind fields in them for him to deal with at that moment. Better to stay with the concrete.

            Mace sighed. “Obi-Wan’s physical prognosis is excellent. Thankfully, the poison was not in his system long enough to cause permanent damage. As you know, that poison is slow-acting, and it was that along with the intervention of a passing stranger which truly saved Obi-Wan’s life.”

            Qui-Gon swallowed hard. “And what about his mental prognosis?”

            Mace did not look at him. “Not nearly so good. His self-confidence was shaky before. Now, it’s almost non-existent. As for his ability to trust…I think you can hazard a guess as to that one. With a suicide attempt, there are even more complications.”

            Finally, he turned to meet Qui-Gon’s eyes. “I’ll be honest with you Qui-Gon. I’m not sure what to think of you right now. You came perilously close to killing that boy. You’ve nearly ruined him as it is…and all for the sake of a bit of glory and a momentary infatuation. He’ll be released from the healers soon, but he’ll be wearing a monitor for at least the next year as well as being under a suicide watch. This has set his knighthood back possibly five years or more at least.”

            “Will I be allowed to remain his master?” Qui-Gon asked softly. He couldn’t bear to try and think of what he’d done to the boy right now…the boy who was like his son. The boy he loved like a son. But he couldn’t bear to lose him.

            Mace seemed to be gritting his teeth as he answered. “Yes. We have little choice in the matter. To break his bond with you now would shatter him completely, likely causing a psychotic break. We would lose him.” He paused. “But you will not be allowed to carry on with him on your own. A second master will bond with him, and you will be also be obliged to submit to a training bond with that master as well, just as when you were a padawan. There are other details that will be revealed when you present yourself to the Council for the worst dressing-down you have ever received…among other things.”

            Qui-Gon should have been shocked. There was no precedent in the Order for a padawan having two masters, much less for a master submitting to a training bond under another master. But then, he had no right in all the Sithing hells to protest.

            “Who will this other master be?” Qui-Gon said guardedly.

            Mace exhaled gustily, massaging his temples with long fingers. “Me, Qui-Gon. I will be the other master.”

            Qui-Gon nodded slowly, wondering after all this as to exactly where he stood with his best friend. They had been lovers many years ago. And then had come Xanatos and Tahl and…it was a wonder that Mace was willing to go through with it at all.

            Qui-Gon suddenly found himself facing the full force of Mace’s glare.

            “Just be assured of this,” Mace said, his voice low. “You will never, ever hurt that boy again.”

            Qui-Gon had never felt quite so sure than he did in that moment that Mace was telling the absolute truth.

 _Oh Force_ , Qui-Gon thought. _What have I done?_


	2. A Taste of His Own Medicine

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

 ** AN ** **: Thank you to all of you for the kudos and comments. I won’t likely be able to respond to many of them, but please know that I have appreciated every one of them. I promised one update a week, and I will do my best to keep that promise. Remember, I have a life too.**

 **This chapter sets up the situation for the next part of the story. I’m purely creating canon here in terms of Temple judgments, Council punishments, and disciplinary procedures. Regarding character height, I am using a Star Wars character encyclopedia I have to establish that Qui-Gon is 6ft. 4in. and Mace Windu is 6ft. 2in. For Obi-Wan, the book places him taller than this, but I’m placing him at twenty-years-old for this story and saying that he has not yet had his last growth spurt. So at this point, he is 5ft 8 in. tall. Purely details for my benefit and to anyone else who might care.** **He is small enough to be carried without Force aid by someone who is tall and strong.**

**I’m adding the Jedi Apprentice series by Jude Watson and Dave Wolverton as a setting reference because I borrow events and relationships from those books though I am AU from the canon established there. I also note that the padawan braid for a master idea is shared with another great author’s story, “Comfort” by Inkognito97. I had come up with the idea to use in this story already, but I read that story today and wanted to acknowledge the idea (apparently great minds think alike!). I’ve listed that story as an inspiration for this one (though it’s much more lighthearted), and I encourage you to go read it.**

            Qui-Gon Jinn towered over his age mates and every other humanoid knight in the Temple. Even Mace Windu, though quite tall himself, had to look up slightly to meet his eyes. Qui-Gon was not only tall but well-muscled, and together with his mane of long hair and half-wild look, his presence was every bit as imposing as Mace’s own.

            Until now.

            For all his stature, Qui-Gon felt rather like a tiny child and truly wished he could just melt away through a crack in the elegant mosaic on the floor of the Council chambers. Obi-Wan had complained bitterly for years about having to crane his neck up to look at his master. Qui-Gon had laughed and chided him for railing against something that was clearly Force-willed and couldn’t be changed.

            But now, with his large frame obliged to kneel on the floor as every member of the Council took a turn verbally tearing into him, Qui-Gon finally understood what it meant to feel small.

            _Obi-Wan, if they ever let me near you again, that teasing will be yet another thing I have to apologize for_ , Qui-Gon thought, clamping down for what felt like the hundredth time in almost an hour on his emotions. He’d given up trying to release his grief and regret into the Force. Now, he was merely trying to resist crying like an infant in front of the Council. After all, he didn’t deserve the privilege of tears. He knew that now.

            Too little, too late.

            Qui-Gon blinked hard and tried to steady himself. Each Council member had finally had their say…save for one.

            Mace Windu stepped forward. Looking into his friend’s eyes was hard enough. Qui-Gon knew that, no matter what words Mace said, that expression of distrust in his eyes would haunt him even worse than the words. Even more painful though was that close beside Mace, holding his hand, was Obi-Wan Kenobi.

            Qui-Gon could not help but stare at him, having been refused the chance to visit him during the two weeks that Obi-Wan had spent in the Healing Halls. The boy looked uninjured, though he was clearly still weary. Qui-Gon yearned to reach out across the bond to his padawan, but he didn’t dare. He would not risk the Council taking Obi-Wan away forever.

            Right now, he still had a chance…one chance to make things right. It was more than he deserved.

            At first, Mace did not speak. His face was as still as a statue, and his icy gaze nearly made Qui-Gon wince. Several times, Mace turned back to look at Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon watched helplessly as his best friend squeezed his padawan’s hand, making his padawan crack a small smile…a smile that was clearly meant for Mace alone.

            Mace’s words, when they came, practically hummed with unreleased anger. That the rest of the Council did not see fit to comment only made it even clearer to Qui-Gon that he would be fortunate if the Council even allowed Qui-Gon to stay in the Order, much less at Obi-Wan’s side.

            “I have called you friend, but I’m not sure that I can do that right now, Qui-Gon.” Mace took a breath, visibly trying to steady himself. Catching and holding Qui-Gon’s eyes like a saber blade to flesh, Mace continued. His words burned. “You…hurt…a…child! You nearly killed a child! A child who has spent his life obeying you, serving you…loving you! A child who has never hesitated to do whatever it took to save you…to offer his life in your place. He followed you when you went after Xanatos. He followed you on your quest for vengeance after Tahl’s murder. He pulled you back from the very edge of the Dark Side, and he endured months of your grief which was so deep that he was essentially masterless. You rejected him time and time again, and yet he never gave up on you…no greater example of a padawan could this Order ask for!”

            Mace shouted the last sentence. Silently, Obi-Wan squeezed his hand and brought his other hand around to clasp Mace’s larger one. Qui-Gon saw the small smile that Mace offered Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon had to steady himself again.

            In one fell swoop, he might lose everyone he cared about…not only his padawan but also his best friend.

            He deserved it.

            Mace, no longer shouting, finally managed to continue. “The Jedi Order has passed judgment on you, and Master Yoda has directed me to communicate to you the details of your punishment.”

            Qui-Gon braced himself.

            Mace’s voice took on the solemnity of a Councilor. “Qui-Gon Jinn, as of this moment, you are on probation and shall remain so until we find you worthy of your full reinstatement in this Order. Furthermore, barring unforeseen circumstances, you are grounded to Coruscant and are forbidden all off-world travel, once again, till we find you worthy of lifting the restriction.”

            He paused, and that repressed anger was visible again. “Regarding your padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you are permitted to remain his master for the sole reason of his mental health. Be aware that you are remaining on sufferance only, and we will not hesitate to terminate the relationship if you cause your padawan any further harm. His well-being is our overriding concern.”  

            Qui-Gon felt his chest tighten. He knew what was coming next.

            Mace turned back to Obi-Wan one more time, and Qui-Gon couldn’t keep from wincing. To see Mace enjoying the closeness with Obi-Wan that had once been his…it hurt…it hurt worse than any physical injury he’d ever received.

            Mace turned back to him. “You are no longer allowed to stand as Obi-Wan’s sole master since you have shown yourself incapable of carrying the responsibility alone. I now have a training bond with Obi-Wan as well, and my bond shall be primary until when and if you show yourself worthy of the primary bond again. I am Obi-Wan’s first master, and you are his second, barring his own request to alter that situation. You shall also submit to a training bond with me, and I shall be your master until when and if Obi-Wan believes you worthy of standing as a knight again.” He paused. “It shall be Obi-Wan who cuts your braid, if he ever finds you worthy of it.”

            Mace turned and spoke a word, and Obi-Wan came forward. Qui-Gon could not restrain a gasp…and one tear broke free, slipping unbidden down his cheek into his beard. Obi-Wan’s padawan braid was neatly done, but the pattern was now different from the one that Qui-Gon had taught to Obi-Wan. This was Mace’s braiding pattern, and the beads…one more tear broke free. The beads were not the colorful assortment, chosen by Qui-Gon to symbolize the Living Force, that Qui-Gon had given to Obi-Wan over the years of their apprenticeship. These beads were of deeper, richer colors…the jewel tones that Mace’s one previous padawan had worn in her braid…the jewel tones that Mace favored.

            Obi-Wan was Mace’s padawan now. More tears followed the first, but Qui-Gon scarcely noticed them. He was beyond caring.    

            Qui-Gon was startled when Mace reached for him. Quickly, efficiently, Mace took hair from the right side of Qui-Gon’s head and began to braid it. He was surprised to even be granted the right to wear the beads that Mace was slipping into the padawan braid, but then he realized that they were Obi-Wan’s beads…the beads that Obi-Wan had left behind for Qui-Gon in preparation for his suicide.

            Silently, Qui-Gon wept.

            Mace’s mind was strong and dominating when it touched his, ordering him to lower his shields. Qui-Gon did so and felt the training bond taking root. Mace’s touch was sure but cold, and he made no attempt to ease the process for Qui-Gon. Mace pulled out abruptly, and Qui-Gon couldn’t hold back a wince from the sharp mental sting it caused.

            “You will return to your quarters and pack your things. I will pack my padawan’s things for him while he rests in my old quarters. We will then move to new quarters that will accommodate the three of us,” Mace said, glaring down at Qui-Gon and the braid that dangled at the side of his face. “Have you anything to say, Qui-Gon Jinn?”

            In a moment, Qui-Gon was fully prostrate on the floor, lying at Obi-Wan’s feet.

            “Obi-Wan, please forgive me! Please!” He could have begged forever, but he lost the ability to form words as his sobs overtook him. Overwhelmed by grief and regret, all dignity gone, Qui-Gon broke completely, his heaving sobs the only sound in the Council chamber.

            And then Obi-Wan spoke. “I can’t forgive you.” He paused, and Qui-Gon did not see the flash of pity in his blue-grey eyes as he stared down at him. But Mace did, and everyone on the Council, in particular Mace’s old master, Master Yoda, did.

            Qui-Gon did hear what Obi-Wan said next, very quietly. “At least not yet.”

            Qui-Gon’s breath hitched, but he looked up anyway and only saw Mace steadying an obviously weary Obi-Wan. Mace turned his back on Qui-Gon, and then he picked Obi-Wan up as easily as if he was a child. The young man’s arms tightened around his neck, pale skin against dark, as Mace carried Obi-Wan from the room.

            Qui-Gon, still prostrate on the floor, his face blotchy and tear streaked from crying, found himself left behind, humiliated, before the Council…utterly and completely alone.


	3. Waking

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

** AN ** **:    Thank you to Squeaky_Shoes for her suggestions for this chapter and the next. I’m sorry I can’t update more quickly, but this story in particular is emotionally draining for me and, while rewarding, is difficult to write. Please remember that the way the Jedi are dealing with the aftermath of Obi-Wan’s suicide attempt is not meant to follow “best practices” for dealing with such a situation in real life. Consider that a blanket disclaimer. By the way, if you don’t already know what Vaapad is, now would be a good time to look it up on the Net.**

            For all that the three of them were sharing living space, Mace did his absolute best to make sure that he kept Qui-Gon away from Obi-Wan as much as possible. If Mace was honest with himself, he was going overboard, but his protective instincts had been in hyperdrive from the very first time Obi-Wan had reached for his hand in the Halls of Healing. He’d shifted a majority of his Council duties to others and had voluntarily grounded himself in the same fashion as the Council had grounded Qui-Gon so that he could spend as much time with his new padawan as possible. Though he wore a monitoring bracelet, Obi-Wan was also under a suicide watch, and Mace did not like the idea of anyone else at Obi-Wan’s side…especially not Qui-Gon.

            Mace, working together with the Council, had pulled Obi-Wan from all of his classes and shifted him to independent study. Mace was now the one that guided him through his lessons and answered his questions when he had them. Obi-Wan had come out of his suicide attempt distrustful of nearly everyone, so he ate in their quarters with Mace joining him. Mace’s eating habits, like many stressed, preoccupied Council members, were not the best. He was apt to forget meals altogether if no one reminded him. But Obi-Wan needed to eat, and he was more willing to do so with Mace there. So Mace ate, Obi-Wan ate, and they were both the better for it.

            For the moment, Obi-Wan was sleeping on a second bed beside Mace’s own in Mace’s bedroom. After several nights of Mace rushing to Obi-Wan’s room when the boy woke from a nightmare (not a vision, thank the Force) and after Obi-Wan’s shy admission that he slept better when Mace was there, Mace had simply moved another bed into his room. While it had not stopped Obi-Wan’s nightmares, it had lessened them, and Mace was able to get to his padawan quicker when he did have a nightmare. As a benefit, they were both getting more much-needed sleep.

            The only thing that did trouble Mace was that Obi-Wan could not or would not tell him about his nightmares. He claimed not to remember them, but Mace suspected his mind was simply blocking his recall...especially since he usually woke from a nightmare calling for Qui-Gon. Whether it was for a good or a bad reason, Mace couldn’t tell, even with the strong bond between him and Obi-Wan. All he could do was hold Obi-Wan and hope that in the morning, he forgot all about it. It always seemed to work.

            The Temple’s chief healer, Vokara Che, came three times a week to talk with Obi-Wan. Aside from being the lead physical healer for the Temple, she also had training as a mind healer, and practically the only time that Obi-Wan was out of Mace’s sight was when he was with Healer Che. Their conversations were privileged of course, and that irked Mace. But Obi-Wan always seemed calmer after they talked, so Mace did his best to trust her to do her job.

            Even when he had trained Depa as his padawan, Mace had not felt the need to shower her with such undivided attention as he did with Obi-Wan. But Depa had been whole and unbroken when he trained her. Obi-Wan had been traumatized by one rejection after another, and while no one would say that Qui-Gon did not love Obi-Wan, his fickle attentions had done as much or more harm to his padawan than simply ignoring him would have. Mace had an incredibly strong sense of fairness, and, though he hid it well, an abiding devotion to the welfare of children, particularly the Temple’s children. Though people knew not to make an issue of it, besides Yoda, Mace was the Councilor most often seen in the crèche, and he was always the first to intervene during those rare times that there were indications of neglect or abuse on the part of a master toward a padawan. Mace’s friendship with Qui-Gon only intensified his desire to make the world right again for Obi-Wan. In a strange way, Mace blamed himself for Obi-Wan’s situation. He had been such a busy man and had not paid as much attention to his best friend as he should have. Surely, if he had, he could have anticipated this…maybe even stopped it before it happened?

            The Code told him no, but his heart told him yes. And even Mace was susceptible to the call of the heart…and Qui-Gon was ruled by it. That was what had brought Mace and Qui-Gon together in the first place, as friends and eventually as lovers.

            Mace scoffed, pulling his mind from his musings. He and Obi-Wan had just finished their evening meal. This was what Mace had come to think of as “their time” when Obi-Wan was free to ask whatever questions had come up that Mace had not yet answered or bring up anything he wanted to talk about. Often, they simply sat in silence until Obi-Wan would draw them to the floor where the meditation mats waited.

            But tonight, Obi-Wan seemed inclined to pull the rug out from under Mace. In a calm, steady voice, he made the first true request he’d ever made of Mace.

            “Master, I want to learn to fight like you. I want you to teach me Vaapad.”

            Mace simply stared, shocked out of politeness. “Why, Obi-Wan? Why in all the worlds would you want to learn that?”

            Something passed across Obi-Wan’s face, something that hinted at greater darkness in the traumatized boy than Mace had yet seen. Mace was not sure how he felt about what he saw.

            “Qui-Gon would not allow me to ask you before. He said it was too Dark for me.” Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes. “But he no longer has primary authority over me. You do. Will you teach me, Master?”

            Mace felt an instant of warning in the Force, but it was gone too fast for him to be sure. He chose to ignore it. Instead, he sighed and stared into his padawan’s eyes. There was knowledge in them now, knowledge of Darkness come too soon. That glimpse settled it for Mace. Obi-Wan needed a channel for the waking shadow side of himself. Mace could give it to him.

            He reached out and clasped his padawan’s hands. “Yes, Obi-Wan, I will teach you Vaapad.”

            Obi-Wan smiled, and Mace smiled back.


	4. A Step Forward...and a Warning

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

** AN ** **: I am sorry that this took so long, but I ran into major writer’s block with this story. I’m sorry it’s so short, but I wanted to post something. In this chapter, I am establishing that Master Yoda was Qui-Gon’s master as a padawan and also veering from exact details of what took place during the Jedi Apprentice books in regards to The Call to Vengeance.**

**By the way, any suggestions are welcome, though I make no guarantees that I will use what you suggest. As I said, writer’s block on this story is driving me crazy. Help? Please?**

            It had been three weeks since Qui-Gon had made the worst mistake of his life, but to Qui-Gon, every minute since had felt like a year. Though he shared quarters with Obi-Wan and Mace, he scarcely saw them. Mace seemed to be doing everything he could to keep Qui-Gon away from the boy, and Qui-Gon wondered helplessly how he could ever hope for a chance to gain Obi-Wan’s forgiveness if he was not even permitted to see him.

            One person he did see more frequently than he cared to was Master Yoda. Yoda had been Qui-Gon’s master as a padawan, and, as the Grandmaster of the Order, had taken over responsibility for Qui-Gon’s “remedial lessons.” If there had been any pride left in him, he would have been mortified. But as it was, Qui-Gon was simply grateful to his old master for giving him a pathway to have a chance at being reunited with his padawan.

            Even if it meant getting hit with Yoda’s gimer stick…repeatedly and much harder than he ever remembered being hit during his padawan years. Qui-Gon simply winced and otherwise ignored his black and blue bruised shins. Since he spent most of each day with Yoda, his shins pretty much remained those colors.

            The first thing that Yoda had done was make him put Anakin from his mind. Though Yoda was technically Anakin’s master, the boy resided in the crèche where, according to Yoda, he was calming and beginning to be less defensive. Yoda had not mentioned Anakin since, and Qui-Gon had realized that the boy would never be his responsibility again. He could see now, after far too many hours of meditation, that his maverick ways would have been a disaster for Anakin who desperately needed a master who knew how to instill and enforce discipline rather than constantly flout the rules.

            With that hurdle dealt with, Yoda began to drill Qui-Gon on the responsibilities of a padawan’s master, or rather, on his own failings as a master. For Qui-Gon, who had always lived in the moment, it was a particularly rude awakening to be dragged through every moment of his time as Obi-Wan’s master. He saw Obi-Wan’s increasingly desperate attempts to get his attention in the very beginning and his own preoccupation with his lost padawan, Xanatos that he had nearly allowed to rob him of Obi-Wan. He saw Obi-Wan’s heartbreak on Bandomeer when it seemed that Qui-Gon would still not take Obi-Wan as his padawan. He saw the lack of a proper bond between them even when Qui-Gon did finally accept him and how the lack of that bond had predisposed Obi-Wan to his actions on Melida/Daan. He saw Obi-Wan at his side as he chased Xanatos, supporting his master even when they were no longer master and apprentice, staying with him as he pursued a very personal vendetta against Xanatos. And he saw as, once again, he retreated into bitter grief after Xanatos’s suicide, leaving Obi-Wan adrift to muddle through on his own.

            But Yoda wasn’t done. Qui-Gon groaned aloud when he saw Tahl before him again. He saw his relationship with her, their vows, and her death. He saw how he had blamed Obi-Wan for her death and how Obi-Wan had taken that blame to heart ever since. He saw Obi-Wan absolutely terrified of him even as he refused to leave his side as Qui-Gon nearly lost himself to his vengeance. Qui-Gon saw his own wild recklessness that had nearly gotten them both killed, and he saw how perilously close he had gotten to the Dark Side…and how Obi-Wan, despite everything, had cared enough to pull him back from the edge. But his grief had rendered him emotionally damaged for months afterward, and Qui-Gon saw how, once again, Obi-Wan had been left essentially masterless.

            Qui-Gon didn’t think he could take anymore. And yet, Yoda pushed him one more time. He saw his own childish infatuation with Anakin Skywalker and how, in that moment, he had cast Obi-Wan aside. It was merely the Council scene that had made it official. He saw the Council scene through Obi-Wan’s eyes…the moment that had been the beginning of Obi-Wan’s path to suicide.

            Yoda released him then, and Qui-Gon found his way to the floor, leaning against the wall as he shook. He had no tears left at this point, but his raw emotions demanded expression anyway, and he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered as he watched darkness fall through the windows of Master Yoda’s quarters. Yoda simply sat there, watching him with troubled eyes, slumped shoulders, and drooping ears. Qui-Gon sighed.

            “For what it’s worth, Master, I’m sorry,” Qui-Gon said.

            Yoda’s weariness was nearly palpable. “Forgiveness, hard for me this time, it was. But forgiven you, I have.” He frowned. “The boy’s forgiveness, you need and may not get.” The frown deepened. “Master Windu’s, even more difficult.” Yoda sighed. “My padawan too and stubborn, he is, about the boy.”

            “With good reason,” Qui-Gon volunteered.

            Yoda nodded briskly. “Pleased I am that you realize that now.” Yoda’s eyes narrowed as they watched him. “Ready you are, perhaps, to see the boy.”

            Qui-Gon felt hope flare inside him. “Truly, Master? You believe I am ready?”

            Yoda held his gaze. “Believe it, you do?”

            “I hope so, Master.” He frowned, rubbing his forehead. “But somehow, I doubt that Mace is going to agree. He is…protective…of Obi-Wan. And rightfully so.”

            Yoda sighed. “Reconciliation, there will not be unless see the boy, you do. Master Windu’s master, I still am. To me, he will listen.” Yoda frowned. “To me, he must listen.”

            Qui-Gon realized that something was unsettling Yoda. “Master, have you seen something?”

            Yoda paused, gazing out into the darkening night. “Teaching the boy Vaapad, he is.”

            Qui-Gon replied carefully. “I see. And this is what bothers you?”

            Yoda continued to stare into the darkness. “Know, I do not, but worried, I am. Darkness, the boy already knows. Perhaps more darkness, the boy needs not.”

            Qui-Gon moved to stand beside his master, feeling his own hackles rise as he looked out into the blackness.

            “Perhaps, my master. Perhaps.”


	5. For the Sake of the Child

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

** AN ** **: Warning for overprotective Mace and condoned disobedience of the Code. I don’t pretend to fully understand Vaapad, so I’m probably veering off canon. Sorry this is short, but to get this story moving again, I’m trying to post as I get scenes finished.**

            Mace Windu could not remember the last time he had felt quite so proud. Even as he struggled to release the pride to the Force, he found himself relishing it all the same as he sparred with his padawan. While Mace had been reluctant to teach Obi-Wan Vaapad, he had been unable to refuse the boy’s plea, and so far, he had no regrets. In fact, Mace was beginning to think that Obi-Wan had the potential to achieve mastery of the form…greater mastery than anyone save for Depa had attained previously. Depa had been his first padawan, and she had taken to Vaapad well. But when she had become a knight, the two of them had mutually decided not to become permanent partners. Though they had worked together on a number of missions, the two of them would never have the oneness in form necessary to tap the fullest potential of Vaapad, when two masters fought in perfect concert with each other.

            Obi-Wan, however, was a different story. Mace had watched the boy fight in tandem with Qui-Gon before, but he had always noticed that the two Jedi never quite meshed. Their preferred fighting forms were different due to their size differences, and it showed when they fought together. Vaapad, not being reliant on either physical size or aerial stunts, equalized size and strength differences in partners.

            Mace had introduced Vaapad’s mindset to Obi-Wan, and the boy had taken it and run with it. That precious spark, that inner light in Obi-Wan’s spirit that had been so callously snuffed out by Qui-Gon’s actions had ignited again. Mace seized on Obi-Wan’s interest, and then they were both off and running. It was all Mace could do to remember that they had Obi-Wan’s academics to look to as well as other equally important lessons. Sometimes, even Mace found himself struggling against the urge to just throw everything else aside and allow Obi-Wan to spar them both into utter exhaustion.

            That the boy was powering his fighting with his darkness Mace knew. But then, was that not exactly what he himself did? He had never Fallen, and Mace knew that Obi-Wan would not either. Mace would not let him.

            “Making progress, the boy is?” Yoda asked.

            Mace smiled. “I’ve never seen someone take to Vaapad like Obi-Wan has. He’s a true natural at it. Frankly, I’m even enjoying it now because he is such a pleasure to teach.”

            “A long time it has been, since enjoyed anything you have,” Yoda said. “Pleased with this, I am.” He paused. “But to deal with other things too, you must.”

            Mace tensed immediately. “What do you mean, Master? As tempted as I might be occasionally to let Obi-Wan’s academics slide, I have not done so. Physically, he’s doing much better, eating and sleeping well. Healer Che said that his other concerns are finally beginning to make progress as well.”

            Yoda shook his head. “About the boy, I am speaking not. About his secondary master, I am speaking.”

            Mace went absolutely still. “You mean Qui-Gon.”

            The elder master nodded. “Ready to meet the boy, he is.”

            “No!” Mace’s answer was immediate. “I will not allow that man near Obi-Wan.”

            “Share living space with him, you do,” Yoda said mildly.

            Mace shook his head. “That’s not the same. I keep Obi-Wan away from him. He knows better than to speak to the boy when they do happen to see each other.”

            Yoda sighed. “Learned his lesson, Qui-Gon has. Desperate for a chance to reconcile with the boy, he is.”

            Mace scowled. “Let him be desperate! He nearly killed Obi-Wan! I promised him I would protect him, and I will not break that promise!”

            Yoda rubbed his forehead. “Blame yourself for the boy’s trauma, you do.”

            Mace opened his mouth to deny it. But the lie tasted bitter in his mouth even as he formed it.

            He refused to look at Yoda as he answered. “Perhaps. If I had only paid more attention to Qui-Gon…I might have intervened sooner. I would have taken Obi-Wan as my padawan in a heartbeat if necessary.”

            “Attached to the boy, you are.” It was not a question.

            Mace shifted restlessly, wishing he could deny it, that he himself was in blatant violation of the Code. But Obi-Wan’s bright presence in his mind made that impossible and left him with a spark of defiance that reminded Mace of the mischievous padawan he had been rather than the dour Council member he had become.

            “He is like my own son,” Mace said. He was prepared to see censure in his master’s eyes when he finally met his gaze, but he saw only understanding.

            “Object, I do not. Loved, the boy needs to be.” He smiled knowingly. “Love Qui-Gon too, you do.”

            Again, Mace considered denying it. But since Yoda was apparently far more aware of everything than Mace had realized, he yielded.

            “Loved, Master,” Mace said, feeling a rush of sadness. “Not love.”

            Yoda tugged Mace’s hand, and the tall man crouched down beside him. The small master reached out, gently tracing the sharp angles of his padawan’s face with his three fingertips.

            “So certain of that are you, Padawan mine?” Yoda asked. “Sad, you are. Disappointed, you are. Angry, you are. Released those emotions, you have not. Understandable, that is.” He paused and held his padawan’s troubled gaze.

            Mace shook his head. “You expect me to forgive him. After what he did, how can I?”

            Yoda sighed. “Grievous, his actions were. Great, his punishment is. But finished eventually, his punishment must be.” Yoda rested his hand on Mace’s forearm. “To forgive him, I cannot force you. But to let go of your anger, you must.”

            Mace did manage one denial. “I am not angry.”

            Yoda’s chuckle held no humor. “Lie to me, Padawan, you cannot. Lie to yourself, you must not.” Yoda caught Mace’s head in his hands, letting the claws graze his skin just enough to sting. “Angry you are, for the boy. Angry you are, at Qui-Gon. Angry you are, at yourself. Loving him, you wish to stop. Yet loving him, you cannot stop. Just as loving the boy, you cannot stop.”

            Stricken, Mace finally nodded and hung his head. “I am no paragon of the Code and certainly anything but a perfect Jedi.”

            Yoda smiled gently. “That, you are not. But a man…only a man,…you are. Neither the Force nor a Sith, you are. Neither the Force nor a Sith, he is. Love the boy, you both do. Love each other, you both do. Another chance, the three of you need?”

            Mace heard the question in Yoda’s last words. Resignedly, he acknowledged his master’s wisdom. But he didn’t have to like it.

            “Very well, Master.   I will allow Qui-Gon to meet Obi-Wan. But give me a few hours to speak with the boy first and get him prepared for the meeting. I will contact you when we are ready. Also, I will remain with Obi-Wan during the meeting.” Mace held Yoda’s gaze steadily, and the small master counted it as a victory that he’d gotten his padawan to agree with so few concessions and without having to use his status as Grandmaster or Mace’s master as leverage.

            “As you wish. Await your call, I will.” Yoda walked away, well pleased.

            But Mace’s troubled gaze settled on Obi-Wan again. Sighing, he called his padawan in from his saber exercises. Obi-Wan’s bright gaze met his, and Mace couldn’t help but smile, in spite of everything. There was nothing he would not do to keep that light in Obi-Wan’s eyes. Nothing at all.


	6. Revelations

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

 ** AN ** **: Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to continue this story. It has taken a turn I didn’t expect in this chapter. I’ve altered the story tags to reflect some new warnings. I’ve established the age of consent on Coruscant to be twenty, and I know this may be against canon. I’ve done this in order to dodge what would otherwise be underage in my jurisdiction (under 18). But I am warning because the relationship referred to here between Qui-Gon and Xanatos could still be viewed as statutory rape. Issues of age aside, the relationship is one of power imbalance. Additional warnings for frank discussion of romantic relationships between teenagers and for acknowledged disregarding of the Code. I’ve added to and twisted canon in characters’ backstories. I have followed the idea in Wookiepedia that Feemor was Qui-Gon’s first apprentice. I’m establishing that Feemor had lost his first master to sudden death, so he only lacked the latter portion of his training when Qui-Gon accepted him as his padawan. I really hoped to get the meeting between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon into this chapter, but I decided that this chapter needed to stand by itself. The “action” will be in the next chapter, but please don’t skip this one. It plays into what will happen next. Also, let me reiterate that THERE HAS NOT BEEN and THERE WILL NOT BE any sexual activity of any kind between Mace and Obi-Wan or between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. There will be sexual activity between Mace and Qui-Gon only, and I will warn for that when it happens.**

            “So Yoda is bringing Qui-Gon here,” Obi-Wan said as they sat on the couch drinking tea.

            Mace sighed. “Yes, he thinks that Qui-Gon is ready to see you. I tried to dissuade him, but I was unsuccessful.” He met Obi-Wan’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Padawan.”

            Obi-Wan reached out, clasping Mace’s hand gently. “Master, it’s alright. We both know that this can’t be put off forever. I think…I think I need to talk to him. If I’m ever going to move beyond this, there are some things that I need to say to him.”

            Mace’s brown eyes radiated approval that echoed through their bond. “That’s a very mature position to take, Padawan. That still doesn’t keep me from wishing you didn’t have to though.”

            Obi-Wan smiled. “It means the world to me that you are so overprotective of me, Master. But even you can’t protect me from everything.” He squeezed the hand he held. “Nor would I want you to.”

            Mace managed a small smile in return. “Yes, I’m overprotective. I don’t deny it. But it’s no less than you deserve…no less than you should have had all these years…than you would have had if things had happened like they should have.”

            “But they didn’t,” Obi-Wan said. “And it all comes back to Qui-Gon and parts of his life that I know very little or nothing about.” He eyed Mace curiously. “What was Qui-Gon like, Master, when he was younger? I know that the two of you were lovers. Was he always like this…so passionate in his affections and yet so fickle in his attentions?”

            Mace’s eyes went distant. “Not in the beginning…not with me. We were each other’s firsts, and, as first loves often go, we were utterly devoted to each other.” His face darkened slightly, and Obi-Wan felt his embarrassment through their bond. “He was more intemperate then, but so was I. I know you might find it hard to believe, but I have not always been the dour Council member that I am today.”

            Obi-Wan set down his tea cup and looked searchingly at Mace. “You’re right. It’s hard to see you as anything like him…reckless and wild with little regard for rules.” He squeezed his master’s hand encouragingly. “What changed? I know you were Master Yoda’s padawan, and I just can’t imagine him interfering with your relationship unless it had become harmful to you or Qui-Gon.”

            Mace grimaced and let his padawan’s hand slip from his grasp. “That’s exactly what happened. Qui-Gon and I had been a couple, albeit secretly for a number of years. Even once we were both knighted, we continued our relationship. Qui-Gon and I trained our first padawans together, Feemor and Depa. But then, Qui-Gon took Xanatos.”

            Mace went silent, staring at his hands. Obi-Wan felt the change in his master’s Force signature, from even and balanced to heavy and shadowed. Without a thought, he reached out and caught Mace’s head in his hands, gently lifting his lowered head to meet Obi-Wan’s gaze.

            “Master, it’s alright. I’m not going to judge you. But I need to know. Please tell me what happened.” Obi-Wan smiled at Mace, and Mace managed a wan, half-smile in return.

            “Feemor had lost his master by the time Qui-Gon had taken over as his master, so he was almost a grown man. Xanatos was the first padawan that Qui-Gon had as a boy and a young teenager. Xanatos had been spoiled and smothered in affection on Telos as well as ingrained with a strong sense of his own importance. He was charismatic even as a youngling and only got more so as the years passed. Qui-Gon has always been impressionable, as attuned to the Living Force as he is. While Qui-Gon has never Fallen to the Dark Side, he fell to Xanatos’ charms and influence almost immediately.”

            Obi-Wan considered that and nodded. “I remember my meetings with Xanatos. He was the sort of man people would follow in a heartbeat. He seemed to know everyone’s weaknesses and just how to use them to get what he wanted.”

            Mace sighed. “That’s exactly what happened. Though Qui-Gon and the Council have never gotten along, that was when the disconnect between us and him really began. I was on the Council by that point. We had to call Qui-Gon to account time and time again for failing to properly control and discipline Xanatos. The boy was indeed a gifted student and strong in the Force, but he thought himself above the rules and had little compassion or respect for his fellow padawans or anyone else. Qui-Gon thought he was just a spirited boy and brushed off our reprimands. He wouldn’t listen to anyone, even to Master Yoda.”

            “I’m guessing that Qui-Gon wouldn’t listen to you either,” Obi-Wan said softly.

            Mace frowned. “No, by that point, I was the last person Qui-Gon would have listened to. When Xanatos had been a child, he had wanted Qui-Gon’s paternal attentions. But when he became a teenager, his interest in his master became far less innocent.”

            Obi-Wan’s eyes went wide. “I thought romantic relationships between masters and padawans were forbidden until the padawan was knighted.”

            Mace rubbed his forehead. “Technically, they are. But generally, as long as the padawan is of legal age, the Council will look the other way unless there is suspicion that the relationship is interfering with Jedi responsibilities. In Qui-Gon’s case, there was a further complication. I have no idea if it happened earlier than that, but I do know that Qui-Gon and Xanatos were in a romantic relationship when Xanatos was eighteen. On Coruscant, the legal age is twenty. Coincidentally, it is the same on Telos, Xanatos’ home planet.”

            Now, Obi-Wan frowned. “You caught them, didn’t you? Did you report them?”

            Mace nodded. “Yes, I caught them. I couldn’t in good conscience not report them. I still loved Qui-Gon even then. And I certainly didn’t like Xanatos. I wanted to place the fault with Xanatos, and I know that he had probably seduced Qui-Gon. But the fact remained that Qui-Gon was many years older than Xanatos, and Xanatos was underage. Qui-Gon could have approached the Council to have Xanatos transferred to another master. The relationship between them was entirely inappropriate, regardless of how willing Xanatos may have been, and Qui-Gon knew it. If nothing else, there was a power imbalance, and it also compromised Qui-Gon’s ability to fairly judge his padawan’s skills and abilities in preparation for his Trials.”

            “So what did the Council do?” Obi-Wan asked. “They clearly didn’t transfer Xanatos to another master.”

            Mace grimaced. “No, Xanatos chose to address the Council himself, and he gave such a charming, persuasive speech that the Council decided to do nothing. I was outvoted. Even Depa was taken in by Xanatos’ words. As for Qui-Gon, he never forgave me for voting against Xanatos.”

            Obi-Wan sighed. “I’ve got a bad feeling about what happened next.”

            The distant look was back in Mace’s eyes. “When Xanatos was twenty-two, Qui-Gon presented him to the Council for his Trials. But since Xanatos was not allowed to attend the meeting, the Council could not be persuaded by him. Qui-Gon did not manage to speak so persuasively, and the Council was split by the vote. I was the deciding vote.”

            Mace again went silent. Obi-Wan could feel his master trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to release his embarrassment and shame to the Force. It wasn’t working. Again, Obi-Wan reached out and took the elder man’s hand in his own.

            Mace steadied himself and managed to continue. “I made a decision in that moment that I regret to this very day. I voted to send Xanatos to his Trials. I knew the young man was not ready, and I had grave reservations regarding his fitness to be a knight at all. But I voted that way hoping that, once Xanatos either did or didn’t become a knight, I would have another chance with Qui-Gon.”

            Mace hung his head. “You see, Obi-Wan, this is why the Code warns us against attachments. I allowed my attachment to Qui-Gon, my love for him, to override my better judgment. I voted to send Xanatos to his Trials when I knew it wasn’t right to do so. He went to Telos with Qui-Gon, and you know the rest.”

            Obi-Wan’s grip on his hand tightened. “You blame yourself for Xanatos’ Fall, don’t you, Master?”

            Mace’s head came up abruptly as their gazes locked. “You are too perceptive for your own good, Padawan. Yes, I do. How could I not? If Xanatos had not had to face his father, perhaps he wouldn’t have Fallen.” His gaze turned pensive. “Regardless, Qui-Gon made it clear afterward that he blamed me. He refused all my attempts at comforting him during his grieving for Xanatos, and while we’ve managed to settle back into something like casual friendship, it hasn’t gone beyond that. And I’m not even sure where he and I stand with that after what he did to you.”

            They were both silent a while as Obi-Wan considered what Mace had told him. His master’s revelations disturbed him more than he cared to admit even as they helped explain more to him about both Mace and Qui-Gon. But there was one thing he knew for certain.

            “Master, Xanatos’s Fall was not your fault. When someone Falls, they chose to Fall. There is always a choice.” He clasped Mace’s hand a bit tighter than necessary. “Even if I Fell, it would not be your fault. It would be because I chose to give into fury and rage, because I chose to welcome the Dark Side. I would have no one to blame but myself.”

            Mace’s voice trembled slightly as he tightened his hold on Obi-Wan’s hand. Again, the Force whispered a warning, and again, Mace ignored it.

            “You are not going to Fall, Padawan. I won’t let you.” But Obi-Wan’s Force signature dimmed for a moment, and Mace knew that he’d felt the Force’s warning as well.

            Changing the subject, Obi-Wan asked, “So if that’s what happened with Xanatos, how by all the stars did Qui-Gon end up with Tahl? She seems like the complete opposite of both you and Xanatos.”

            Mace nodded. “She was. That was the point. I mean no disrespect to Master Tahl. She was an excellent knight and a proficient master, though her overprotectiveness of her padawan interfered with Bant’s training. But Tahl never realized just how involved Qui-Gon had been with Xanatos, and Qui-Gon never told her everything. Tahl was, I’m sorry to say, a rebound relationship for Qui-Gon who was desperately searching for someone completely different from either Xanatos or me. He’s always had trouble being alone. He needed someone to ease his loneliness, and Tahl was that person.”

            Obi-Wan grimaced. “Master Tahl was a wonderful person. I don’t like to think that Qui-Gon was simply using her.”

            Mace shook his head. “That was part of it, but I do believe he truly loved her. Qui-Gon feels things so deeply that it’s hard for him to set boundaries in his relationships with other people. A part of him resents that part of himself so he fights against it…until the next person comes along, and it happens all over again.”

            Obi-Wan sighed. “He sounds like he needs a mind healer as much as I do.”

            Mace cracked a smile. “You are probably right. Stars, all of us could probably use one. The Jedi are very accomplished at many things, but dealing with emotions is not one of them.”

            His padawan’s eyes were both amused and curious. “I never would have thought to hear you of all people say that, Master.”

            Mace’s smile was grim. “I wouldn’t have before, Padawan. But with all that has happened, I find that I cannot in good conscience say otherwise.”

            They were both quiet as they pondered the cold tea in their cups.

            Obi-Wan stood up, suddenly restless, and walked over to the window, turning his back to his master. Mace waited, aware that Obi-Wan would speak only when he chose to.

            Finally, Obi-Wan said, “But what about me? Why did Qui-Gon do what he did? Why did he throw me away for Anakin?”

            In that moment, Obi-Wan was a child all over again, a child in need of the loving reassurance that Qui-Gon ought to have provided. Without a thought, Mace stood and drew the boy into an embrace, his large form nearly overwhelming Obi-Wan’s small form. The boy relaxed as Mace sent calm over their bond, but his anger and grief were still simmering beneath Mace’s hands.

            “Why is it so hard to release my emotions into the Force?” Obi-Wan asked.

            Mace drew his padawan’s head back to rest against him. “You are a person, Padawan, just a person like anyone else. Believe me, you are not the only one who is having trouble releasing their feelings toward Qui-Gon into the Force.”

            Obi-Wan turned to face Mace, his eyes wide. “Surely not you, Master?”

            Despite everything, Mace nearly laughed. “Oh, Padawan, I am not a Jedi saint! Don’t put me up on a pedestal as some sort of model of perfection that you must strive for. I am a man and nothing more.”

            Obi-Wan pulled away, and Mace let him. “Then you won’t hold it against me if I take a swing or two at Qui-Gon before I talk with him?”

            Mace considered. He was surprised that the boy admitted to wanting to physically punish Qui-Gon for his actions, but a part of him was very pleased that Obi-Wan was being honest. Mace knew he should immediately say no, and he knew that Obi-Wan would obey him without question. But after what Qui-Gon had done…surely it wouldn’t hurt to give the boy a chance to fully express his anger. If Mace was honest with himself, he was finding it very hard to deny Obi-Wan anything he wanted.

            He smiled indulgently. “Very well, Padawan. Perhaps a slightly different avenue would be better though. Qui-Gon has never seen you use Vaapad before. Would you like to spar with him and show him what you have learned?”

            Obi-Wan grinned suddenly, and Mace grinned back as he felt a wave of gratitude and affection surge across their bond. He basked in his padawan’s satisfaction. The Force whispered yet another warning, more urgently this time. But neither Mace nor Obi-Wan took any notice.

            Their moment of reckoning had arrived.


	7. Reckoning

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

 ** AN ** **: This chapter is very short, but I didn’t want to leave this story hanging any longer. I’ve used italics to indicate mental communication. This chapter also references an event from the Jedi Apprentice book The Call to Vengeance, but it changes the details of that event. Warning for violence.**

            Obi-Wan felt a tingle of uneasiness as he watched Qui-Gon arrive with Yoda. Though he kept ignoring it, the Force was an unwelcome voice in his mind, trying to tell him something, but he refused to listen. To steady himself, he reached for Mace’s hand, and his master took it immediately, his soothing presence easily calming his padawan.

            “You don’t have to do this, Obi-Wan. I will oppose even my own master, the grandmaster of our Order, if I have to. All I want is whatever is best for you.” Mace’s brown eyes were full of solemn concern.

            Obi-Wan shook his head. “Thank you, Master, but no. I need to do this now. It is time to stop running…for both of us…perhaps for all of us.” He looked at Mace and then at Yoda walking beside Qui-Gon. He squared his shoulders. “Let’s go.”

            They had elected to meet outside in one of the cleared areas reserved for physical activities, such as saber sparring. Qui-Gon, his attitude hesitant but determined, came to within an arm’s length of Obi-Wan, Yoda at his side. Mace moved closer to Obi-Wan.

            Qui-Gon softly said, “I had hoped that our first meeting would not be at saber point, Obi-Wan.”

            Mace would have answered for him, but Obi-Wan squeezed his master’s hand. “No, Master. I will speak for myself.” Turning back to Qui-Gon, the younger man sighed. “Qui-Gon, you know as well as I do that there is some unfinished business between us, and until that is dealt with, no attempt at anything further can move forward.”

            Mace did speak up then in Obi-Wan’s defense. “I hardly think you have a say in dictating anything regarding Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon. The Council has dealt with you as has Master Yoda. But Obi-Wan has not. Now, he will have the chance to do that.”

            Yoda bristled beside Qui-Gon. “Displeased, Padawan mine, I am. Part of our agreement, this was not. Of this, we did not speak.”

            Any other time, the chill in Yoda’s voice would have at least made Mace stop and reconsider his actions. But in that moment, Mace’s blood was running hot, his mind was full of his bond with his padawan, and the only thing that was important to him was giving Obi-Wan the chance he felt he deserved. If Mace had stopped to listen to the Force, he might have felt a sense of resignation in the Force…the Force that had realized that neither Mace nor Obi-Wan was thinking like a Jedi in that moment.

            For once in his life, Mace was deaf to the Force, as deaf as his padawan.

            “Vengeance, you wish! Forbidden by our Code, vengeance is!” Yoda’s ears were flat, and he banged his gimer stick on the ground.

            Mace shook his head and then glanced over to smile reassuringly at Obi-Wan. Their path was set.

            “No, Master Yoda. This is punishment.” He turned to his padawan and then to Qui-Gon. “Well, Qui-Gon, would you like to see what Obi-Wan has learned?”

            Qui-Gon swallowed hard. “This is vengeance.”

            When Mace would have spoken, Obi-Wan interrupted. “You are only saying that because you are afraid of me!”

            Qui-Gon bristled, as Obi-Wan had known he would. “I am not afraid of you!”

            Obi-Wan knew he was being childish. He did not care. Smirking, he taunted, “Prove it!”

            Qui-Gon barely had a chance to ignite his saber before Obi-Wan lunged at him, leaving Mace and Yoda to scramble out of the way. There was no bowing and no politeness, just an immediate launch into full-blown combat. Even before the Anakin debacle, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had not sparred for months, so Qui-Gon felt as though he was fighting a stranger. He could no longer predict what Obi-Wan would do and how he would move. More and more, he found himself on the defensive against his much smaller opponent. But it quickly became clear that size didn’t matter when it came to Vaapad as the blur of Obi-Wan’s saber left him at a loss as to where to strike or parry.

            For his part, Obi-Wan fought him with a grim smile and an occasional bitter laugh when he managed a particularly effective move. Mace watched the battle with keen satisfaction, and he clearly was not bothering to release his pride to the Force. Yoda looked deeply troubled, but Mace ignored him. Mace’s padawan was winning this encounter easily, and Mace had no doubt that Qui-Gon would think twice before he crossed Obi-Wan again.

            A half hour passed, and it became clear that Qui-Gon was tiring while Obi-Wan seemed to have boundless energy. This was the point where the younger man should have brought the sparring to a close, and it was clear that Qui-Gon would have yielded without hesitation.

            But Obi-Wan was too lost in that blissful knife edge of battle that was Vaapad to give a thought to stopping. Mace was shouting now, cheering him on and sending him encouragement and his own energy through their bond, deaf to Master Yoda who was pleading with him to intervene and stop Obi-Wan before things went completely out of control.

            “Stop him, you must! Continue, this must not!” Yoda shouted at Mace.

            Mace ignored him, his hand on his own saber, tensing to join his padawan even as his mind merged into nearly perfect union with Obi-Wan’s mind. Qui-Gon stumbled and nearly fell, and Obi-Wan’s saber came perilously close to him.

            Desperately, Yoda tried to use the Force to push Obi-Wan away from Qui-Gon, but even Yoda could not match the wild, raw strength of Vaapad. Force compulsions simply bounced off the boy, and his attempt to compel Mace was equally futile. Mace was too lost to the battle, ignoring the Force, shatterpoints, and every Light instinct that he had ever had. The Force screamed within Yoda, but Yoda found himself helpless.

            Then, the Force became chaos.

            Several things happened in succession. Qui-Gon landed hard on his knees and could not get back up. His saber fell to the ground, leaving him defenseless. Obi-Wan raised his saber high, preparing to strike the final blow. Mace drew his own saber, igniting it and blurring to his padawan’s side…whether to stop Obi-Wan or to help him, Mace could not have said. Yoda made one last unsuccessful attempt to Force pull Qui-Gon away.     

            And Qui-Gon, remembering another moment on another planet not so long ago, stared up into the eyes of the boy who had pulled him from the very edge of the Dark Side when he had been prepared to murder the man responsible for Tahl’s death. He let the fear come, the grief come, the guilt come, that his actions had brought about the situation that had led to this moment.

            Qui-Gon spoke the word that Obi-Wan had spoken to him in that other moment, the word that had saved him from a choice that would have left him Fallen in Darkness forever.

            “No, Obi-Wan.”

            And it was enough.

            Obi-Wan extinguished his lightsaber blankly, and it fell to the ground at his feet. Looking down at Qui-Gon, his face twisted from battle madness to an image of horror as the full reality of what he had so nearly done crashed down on him. He collapsed in front of Qui-Gon like a puppet with his strings pulled, and Qui-Gon found himself with his arms full as Obi-Wan flung himself at him, his sobbing obscuring whatever he was trying to say.

            Though as far as Qui-Gon could make out, it sounded like, “I’m sorry.”

            Another pair of arms wrapped around Obi-Wan from the other side…and hesitantly slid around Qui-Gon as well. He lifted his eyes from the younger man and found himself looking at Mace who wore an expression every bit as tortured as Obi-Wan’s. Mace was crying too, silently, and over the training bond the he shared with Qui-Gon, the bond which Mace had scarcely used since he’d formed it, Mace, too was pleading for forgiveness…and something else.

            _Help me, please, Qui-Gon. I can’t do this alone anymore. Help me!_

            Qui-Gon reached out for them both, feeling his still shaky bond with Obi-Wan slowly beginning to strengthen even as both Mace and Obi-Wan mentally reached out for him.

            _I will. I promise._ And as the tears fell down Qui-Gon’s face, he knew that this was one promise that he would give his life to keep.

            Quietly surrounding and embracing their minds was a fourth presence, stronger in the Force than any of them and led by the love that Yoda had long ago ceased to deny, at least privately.

            _Help you too, I will. Fall, you did not. Get through this together, we will. All of us._


	8. Only Move Forward, We Can

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

 ** AN ** **: This story is finally winding down. There will be two more chapters after this one. Warning for this chapter because it includes slash between Mace and Qui-Gon. It’s not explicit, but it is there. The “pledging” of Qui-Gon and Tahl referred to in this chapter took place in the Jedi Apprentice book The Ties That Bind. There will also be more discussion over what happened in the previous chapter, but Mace and Qui-Gon need to hash out a few things first. Italics is for mind speech.  **

            When Yoda was in an imperious mood, things tended to happen quickly. When Yoda was acting out of concern for Jedi of his line, things happened even quicker. That was how, a few hours later, the four of them were walking through the quiet darkness to a retreat house that the Temple owned on a secluded piece of property. It was kept specifically for situations when Jedi needed to be separated from their compatriots while still being close enough to be retrieved if necessary. Obi-Wan walked between Mace and Qui-Gon, and Qui-Gon was carrying Yoda on his back.

            All of them were weary and emotionally exhausted, but Yoda, who had been monitoring their minds the entire time, was pleased that they seemed to be much more peaceful than when they had left the Temple. The shadows of Darkness no longer clung to Obi-Wan and Mace, though there was more than enough guilt and shame to go around. For his part, Qui-Gon was a mass of compassion and empathy, having known the taste of Darkness himself. Yoda was satisfied, and as they approached the retreat house, his worry began to ease at last.

            Even Mace seemed at a loss as to what to do next, and he found himself feeling very much like a padawan again as he deferred to Yoda.

            Yoda smiled gently at them all. “Sleep, we all must. In the morning, clearer things will be.”

            Mace nodded, watching Obi-Wan stifle a yawn. “Padawan, what arrangement would you prefer tonight? You’ve been sleeping in my room, and we can continue that if you’d like.”

            Obi-Wan blushed slightly. “I think…I think it’s time I managed without that, Master.” He blushed deeper. “I was actually wondering if you and Qui-Gon might need some time to…discuss things.”

            Mace was glad his skin was dark so that his blush was not obvious. He darted a glance at Qui-Gon, and the man looked resigned to Obi-Wan’s conclusions.

            It was Yoda who settled the question. “Right the boy is, Padawans mine. Time, you need. Time, we will give you.” He tugged on Obi-Wan’s robe. “Come, young one. With me, you will stay. Keep watch over you, I will. Let your grandmaster care for you for a while, you will.”

            Obi-Wan couldn’t help but smile at Yoda as the small Jedi shooed Obi-Wan down the hall to the most distant bedroom. The door shut behind them.

            With a sigh, Mace turned toward Qui-Gon. “Sometimes, I think there is nothing that Yoda does not know about us.”

            Qui-Gon snorted. “I wouldn’t put it past the little troll.” But his tone was affectionate.

            They stood for a moment in silence, staring at each other. “What happens now, Master?” Qui-Gon finally asked, abruptly deciding that it was long past time he offered the submission to Mace that he should have done the moment that Mace formed the training bond.

            But Mace bristled, and he turned troubled eyes to Qui-Gon. “Force, Qui-Gon! Don’t call me that! I didn’t…you’re not…I didn’t agree to this so that I could lord it over you.” He leaned back against the wall. “You’ve been punished enough. That much is clear. I want to support you. And I want…no, I need…for you to support me.”

            Qui-Gon’s eyes widened. “That is hard for you to say, isn’t it? You’ve never needed anyone. I’ve always been the one needing people.”

            Mace nodded. He swallowed audibly. “I was so scared tonight, Qui-Gon. I’ve stared death in the face innumerable times in my life, and yet, I don’t think I have ever been so scared as I was tonight.”

            Qui-Gon’s breath caught. Mace Windu was admitting to being scared…to being absolutely terrified. And he was admitting to it in front of the most disgraced member of the Order. Qui-Gon realized Mace was trembling. Before he could think better of it, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Mace, pulling him into an embrace that reminded them both of earlier times, when they were younger and so much more intemperate. Times when Mace had been willing to be vulnerable and Qui-Gon had desired nothing more in the world but to protect him. They remembered.

            Softly, Qui-Gon asked, “If Obi-Wan had Fallen, what would you have done?”

            Mace’s reply was muffled against Qui-Gon’s shoulder. “I would like to say that I would have pulled him back. But I would be lying.”

            When Mace didn’t continue, Qui-Gon tipped Mace’s chin up. “What would you have done?” He did not want to push Mace, but he suspected that the man needed to say it if he was ever going to move beyond it.

            Mace’s grip tightened. Qui-Gon lightly stroked his back, waiting patiently for the words to come. Mace was many things, but a coward was not one of them.

            “I would have Fallen with him.”

            The shudder that rolled through Mace had Qui-Gon embracing Mace tightly enough that he’d probably be bruised the next day. But Mace didn’t seem to care, and Qui-Gon’s only concern was steadying the other man till the worst of the fear could be given to the Force.

            Finally, Mace’s trembling eased, and he relaxed in Qui-Gon’s embrace. The training bond between the two of them was fully open, and Qui-Gon sent soothing calm to his friend. Mace accepted it without hesitation, and together, they were able to release their fear to the Force…most of it anyway.

            Not all of it though. When Qui-Gon would have turned to go to his own bedroom, Mace caught his hand.

            “Stay, Qui-Gon. Stay with me tonight. Please.” Mace said, squeezing his hand.

            Qui-Gon took it at face value, a desire for comfort, not daring to hope there was anything else behind it. He followed Mace’s lead as they went through their night routines. But when Qui-Gon had changed into his sleep pants and was preparing to pull on the soft, worn tunic he slept in, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

            “Don’t bother,” Mace whispered in his ear.

            Qui-Gon let the tunic fall to the floor. His breath caught as Mace pulled him toward the bed. He too, was bare chested, and Qui-Gon felt his mouth go dry as Mace lay down against the pillows. Extending a hand, Mace beckoned to him.

            Qui-Gon hesitated. “I don’t understand, Mace. After what I’ve done…how can you want…anything from me?”

            Mace’s eyes were full of self-recrimination. “I hardly think I’m innocent in this, Qui-Gon.” His eyes went distant for a moment, and Qui-Gon caught a glimpse across the bond of Xanatos the day he and Qui-Gon had left for Telos.

            “I forgave you for that years ago,” Qui-Gon said softly. He finally took Mace’s outstretched hand in his own and sat down on the bed.

            Mace shook his head. “That doesn’t make it right. We both have to live with the wrongs we have done.” He stared down at their entwined hands, dark and light woven together. “But move backward, we cannot. Only move forward, we can.”

            Qui-Gon snorted in amusement, and Mace cracked a smile. Mace had imitated Yoda on purpose. He sighed and let Mace coax him closer, within arm’s reach. For another moment, they stared at each other. Qui-Gon searched Mace’s dark eyes, trying to imagine them Sith yellow and then decided there was something else he needed to say.

            “If you and Obi-Wan had Fallen, I would have Fallen with you.” Qui-Gon was surprised when his admission did not surprise Mace.

            “I know.” Mace reached out, unfastening the tie that bound Qui-Gon’s hair and letting the grey-tinged chestnut locks fall freely around his face. “You and I have been attached to each other since that very first time. It’s an attachment that, despite everything, never fully broke. And now, we’re both attached to Obi-Wan as well. Some Jedi we are.”

            Qui-Gon laughed softly. “Attachment is just another word for love, Mace.”

            Mace tugged on his hands, and Qui-Gon did not resist being drawn even closer. Finally, Qui-Gon shifted to straddle the other man, his knees on either side of Mace’s hips. Mace smiled.

            “I know.” The first kiss between them was hesitant, shy, awkward…as if they had each forgotten who the other was. Perhaps, they had.

            But remembrance came quickly. The taste of lips and the taste of salt on skin, the feel of twined tongues and the feel of blunt nails buried in hard muscle, the smell of Qui-Gon’s shampoo and the smell of the soap that Mace preferred, the sound of Mace’s groans and the sound of Qui-Gon’s growls that made him seem almost feral, the look of awestruck wonder in Mace’s eyes as pleasure overtook him and the stormy sea that Qui-Gon’s blue eyes became as he tumbled over the edge with him.

            When it was over, they lay wrapped around each other, dark and light woven together, as they regained their breath.

 _You pledged yourself to Tahl,_ Mace said across their bond.

 _Yes,_ Qui-Gon replied. _I did. I loved her._

            Mace hesitated. _Did you ever pledge yourself to Xanatos?_

            Qui-Gon sighed. _No. No, I never did._ Mace knew that said more about Qui-Gon’s relationship with Xanatos than Qui-Gon would ever admit to.

            Another long silence. Finally, Mace spoke. _Would you pledge yourself to me?_

            Qui-Gon did not have to think long. _Yes, I would. But only if you did the same._

            Mace wrapped his arms more securely around Qui-Gon as he pulled the blankets over them. They would figure the rest out in the morning. For now, this was enough.


	9. A New Beginning

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

** AN ** **: This is the next-to-last chapter of this story. There will be one more after this one, and then this story will be completed. This chapter is for Capurnia, and she knows why.**

            Not surprisingly, Mace and Qui-Gon didn’t wake until the midday meal the next day. But when they sleepily made their way into the kitchen, wearing clean leggings and tunics, though they were both barefoot and Qui-Gon’s hair was loose, they saw an equally drowsy Obi-Wan, dressed similarly, coming down the hall with Yoda riding on his back. Even the grandmaster himself looked to be in need of something to wake him up.

            “Coffee,” Yoda muttered. “Tea and food, we all need.” He eyed Mace blearily.

            Mace chuckled. “I’ll make the tea, but we’d better let Qui-Gon make the coffee. I’m no good at that.”

            Obi-Wan smiled bemusedly. “That is an understatement. I wouldn’t have had any coffee at all if I hadn’t been the one to make it. Clearly, that’s one thing that Master Yoda never taught you.”

            Yoda grumbled as Obi-Wan set him down on a chair. “Tea, you always wanted. Coffee, you never liked. Failure in that, you are.”

            They all laughed, breaking the tension slightly that lingered from the previous night.

            Mace retorted, “Yes, well, as long as I made those muffins you like, you never complained.”

            Yoda perked up. “Those muffins, you will make?”

            Mace sighed, a long-suffering sigh common to padawans of Master Yoda.

            “Of course, Master, right now.” As he went to get the ingredients from the cupboards, he muttered under his breath, “Dictatorial little green troll.”

            Ears twitching, Yoda said, “Heard that, I did! Padawan overgrown, you are!”

            Qui-Gon wryly added, “And just which of us are you referring to, Master?” He stood up beside Mace, making it abundantly clear just how “overgrown” both of them were.

            Obi-Wan dissolved into giggles, and one look at the expression on Yoda’s face made it clear that his reaction was just what Yoda had intended.

            Eventually, the meal was finished, muffins and all, and the grandmaster again took over directing his line. He addressed Mace.

            “Padawan, with me you will come. Check your mind over, I must. Be sure that the taint of Darkness has left you, I must. The boy, last night I checked. Free of the taint, he is.” Yoda shooed Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon away. “Talk to each other, you must.”

            Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon knew it for the dismissal it was. But Qui-Gon turned first to Mace.

            “Are you alright with me being alone with him?” Qui-Gon asked quietly.

            Mace sighed and offered a wan smile. “Trust has to start somewhere. Let it start here.” He glanced at Obi-Wan. “Are you alright with this, Padawan?”

            Obi-Wan took a breath…and deliberately placed his hand in Qui-Gon’s own. The elder Jedi’s blue eyes widened, and, for a moment, tears threatened. Obi-Wan squeezed his hand.

            “I’ll be fine, Master. Qui-Gon will take care of me,” Obi-Wan said.

            Qui-Gon managed not to gasp, but his smile was bright enough to light a star. Mace smiled too and walked over to Obi-Wan. With a tender touch, he tipped the boy’s chin up and kissed his forehead. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to.

            Qui-Gon willingly followed Obi-Wan’s lead as the younger Jedi slipped out the back door. The stones of the patio were cool under their bare feet, and then they were walking down a hill to a shady patch of grass beside a small lake. For a while, they simply sat there, Obi-Wan staring out over the calm water as Qui-Gon drank in the sight of the boy he had loved for so long, the boy who was like a son to him.

            “Do you, Qui-Gon?” Obi-Wan’s voice was soft. “Do you really love me?”

            Qui-Gon dropped his shields immediately, opening his mind to the younger man. He felt the boy’s tentative probing and did his best to project to him what was in his heart.

            Obi-Wan swallowed hard. He could feel the truth of Qui-Gon’s love for him, and yet…he summoned his courage and all the self-confidence that Mace had instilled in him.

            “If you love me that much, why did you do what you did? Why did you throw me away for Anakin?” Obi-Wan’s voice trembled, but he did not cry.

            Qui-Gon made a strangled sound that could have been a sob. But he too, did not cry.

            “I was wrong. I made the most horrible mistake of my life. Why? Greed, selfishness, my own pride…I don’t know. That’s not an answer I, but it’s the only one that I can give you.” He hung his head and sighed. “I’m not a good person, Obi-Wan. I’ve done terrible things. I’m sorry isn’t enough, but what can be? I am guilty, and I always will be.”

            For several moments, they sat in silence. Qui-Gon half-expected to hear Obi-Wan get up and leave, but he didn’t. Instead, a hand slipped into his. He felt a tug on his braid, and he looked up.

            “No, Qui-Gon. You are not a bad person. You are a good person who has done very bad things.” Obi-Wan paused, and Qui-Gon saw the moment in Obi-Wan when knowledge became wisdom.

            The boy’s hand tightened on his. “You’ve been punished enough. I can never forget what you’ve done. But if there is one thing that I learned from last night, it’s that I can forgive you. I must forgive you or condemn myself by my own hypocrisy.”

            Obi-Wan reached out and settled his hands on Qui-Gon’s head. “I forgive you, Qui-Gon Jinn.”

            And then Qui-Gon was crying, and Obi-Wan was laughing and crying and holding him tightly.

            “How can I ever make it up to you?” Qui-Gon asked, his voice muffled against the boy’s shoulder.

            A gentle hand stroked his hair. “Just love me. Love me, and let me love you again. Let Mace love you and Yoda love you…and let the Force take care of the rest.”

            Obi-Wan held him until his tears stopped, and they were able to disentangle themselves.

            The boy’s grin turned impish. “There is one more thing, Qui-Gon, that I think you deserve.”

            Qui-Gon was too happy in that moment to worry about the mischievousness in the boy’s expression.

            “Whatever you wish of me, Obi-Wan, I will do,” he said fervently…just before a tremendous Force push sent Qui-Gon flying through the air to splash into the lake. Sputtering and pretending displeasure that he did not feel, Qui-Gon shouted at Obi-Wan who stood laughing at the edge of the water.

            “You little imp!” But he was grinning as he shoved his wet hair out of his face. His clothes clung to him, rendering him a decidedly bedraggled example of a Jedi.

            Obi-Wan just kept laughing. But his laugh became a startled scream when Qui-Gon Force pulled him into the lake beside him. Obi-Wan surfaced, cursing in words that Qui-Gon hadn’t even realized Obi-Wan knew even as he grinned at the other man as he stood up.

            “You had to have known that I would do that,” Qui-Gon said, laughing as Obi-Wan stuck his tongue out at him.

            “Of course,” Obi-Wan said. “In fact, I was counting on it.”

            Qui-Gon splashed him playfully, and then the two of them were engaged in a water fight, shoving each other and laughing and making enough racket to drown out the Living Force itself.

            Not that It seemed to mind.

            They were certainly making enough racket to catch Mace and Yoda’s attention as Mace carried Yoda down to the lake on his back. Though Yoda had pronounced him free of any Dark taint, Mace was far too subdued for Yoda’s satisfaction. He, too, needed to understand forgiveness.

            And that was why Mace ended up in the water and why Mace was cursing rather inventively at Yoda as he stumbled to his feet, soaked to the skin.

            Yoda shrugged his small shoulders at Mace. “Needed it, you did…all of you. Deny that, you do?”

            Mace looked at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon beside him. “No…but we’re not the only ones.”

            Yoda read the mischief in Mace’s eyes a moment too late for self-preservation. With a flick of the Force, Mace lifted the small Jedi up and deposited him in the water in the midst of them.

            Yoda’s birth planet was mostly swamp, so the eldest Jedi, maneuvering as easily as any fish, quickly broke the surface and treaded water, his ears flat in annoyance.

            “Needed a bath, I did not!” Yoda grumbled.

            Mace just laughed and picked Yoda up, balancing him against him. “No, Master. But we did.”

            Yoda went quiet, looking into the eyes of his line. “Speak the truth, you do, Padawan,” he said softly. “A new beginning, you have.” Then his own expression turned mischievous. “So long as here, we are, play we should!”

            Yoda’s laughter blended with the songs of the birds as the water battle started all over again, and the Living Force sang for joy.


	10. Family, We Are

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I am making no money off of it.**

** AN ** **: This is the last chapter of the story. Thanks to everyone who’s been reading it. I hope you enjoyed it. This chapter takes place immediately after the last one. I know that I have not resolved everything in this story, but I didn’t want to. Life doesn’t always get resolved in pretty little wrapped boxes. By the way, I borrowed a line from an original series Star Trek episode. If you recognize it, post in the comments!**

            “Did you mean what you said last night?” Mace asked.

            Qui-Gon turned as Mace set down the brush he had been using on Qui-Gon’s long hair after their impromptu swim in the lake.

            “What specifically do you mean?” Qui-Gon asked. He suspected that he knew, but he wanted Mace to speak the words.

            “You said that you would pledge yourself to me,” Mace said softly.

            Qui-Gon leaned back against the pillows on the bed. “I meant what I said. But this goes both ways, Mace. Are you willing to pledge yourself to me?”

            Mace swallowed audibly. “I am. Force help me, I never imagined I would love deeply enough to take this step.”

            Qui-Gon smiled, drawing Mace close. “It’s alright to be afraid. I’m scared too. But I think that sometimes fear is not such a bad thing.”

            “Why?” Mace asked as his fingers played with Qui-Gon’s padawan braid.

            Qui-Gon smiled. “It helps us keep from taking our love for granted.”

            Mace chuckled softly, settling into the other man’s embrace. “When did you become the wise one?”

            Qui-Gon sighed and said wryly, “I have learned something from all the hours I’ve been spending with Yoda, you know.”

            Mace laughed outright but then he sobered. “I’m glad. I’m glad that he could help…”

            A finger against Mace’s lips shushed him. “It was necessary, Mace. But now, we can start the long road forward.” He smiled a little uncertainly. “Together.”

            “With the rest of our family,” Mace said firmly.

            Qui-Gon’s smile widened. “That’s what I hoped you’d say. Including Obi-Wan…and Yoda?”

            Mace stroked Qui-Gon’s bare arms. “Obi-Wan is our son. Regardless what word we use for him in public, he is as much our son as if he carried our blood, perhaps more so.”

            Qui-Gon kissed the tip of Mace’s nose, making them both laugh. “And Yoda?”

            Mace hesitated. It had always been harder for him to articulate just what the small Jedi master was to him.

            “Father,” Mace said finally. “He’s the only father I will ever have.”

            Qui-Gon sighed. “Father…yes, that’s who he is, no matter what we call him. And he is Obi-Wan’s grandfather.”

            “We’d best not call him little green troll too much though if we want to avoid having perpetually bruised shins from that stick of his,” Mace muttered. They both burst out laughing.

            “Yoda wouldn’t be Yoda without his stick,” Qui-Gon said. “And admit it, we both love that little green troll, stick and all.”

            There was a thinking silence, both of them curled up together, sharing thoughts and emotions across their open bond.

            Finally, they stirred. “Seeing as how we’re going to do this, I think there’s no time like the present. As we both know, the future is always in motion,” Mace said.

            Qui-Gon reached out and took Mace’s head in his hands. “You do realize that doing this is going to put us into direct, undeniable violation of the Code. It will be grounds for expulsion if we are found out.”

            Mace’s brown eyes flashed defiance. “Let them. There are times when the Code does not have all the answers.” He covered Qui-Gon’s hands with his own. “This feels right in the Force, and we answer ultimately to the Force alone.”

            Qui-Gon smiled. “I am a bad influence on you…corrupting a Councilor to such a depth of rule-breaking,” he teased.

            Mace laughed, but his amusement was momentary. “I’m glad you did, Qui-Gon,” Mace said. “I think of what I would have missed if I hadn’t opened my heart again….and I’m finally beginning to understand that some things transcend the discipline of the service. This is one of them.”

            Qui-Gon let his kiss say what his words, in that moment, could not.

            After the four of them had shared a leisurely, late meal and the stars gleamed over the lake, Mace caught everyone’s attention.

            “Master, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and I have come to a decision.” He cleared his throat, wondering why he was so nervous. “We have decided to pledge ourselves to each other, and we would like you to act as witnesses.”

            Obi-Wan actually whooped, and Yoda laughed. “About time, it is, Padawans mine, that to what is in your hearts, you give voice. Joyfully, bear witness, I will.”

            “Me, too,” Obi-Wan said. In that moment, he was all impish boy. “Does that mean that you two will be my fathers…and Master Yoda my grandfather?”

            Mace grinned. “If that’s what you want, Padawan. Qui-Gon and I could not be happier to be your fathers or to call you our son.” He turned to Yoda. “And you, Master, if you happen to wish for two sons…and a grandson…that’s exactly what you’re going to get.”

            It was rare that Yoda smiled quite like that…a face-lighting, pointed ear to pointed ear grin that, if a stranger saw it, would look downright frightening. But they all knew it for what it was, Yoda barely able to contain his joy.

            Without further hesitation, Mace caught Qui-Gon’s hands and pulled him to his feet so that they stood before Yoda. Obi-Wan stood facing Yoda as Mace and Qui-Gon clasped hands tightly and spoke the words which had been used to bind Jedi, even against the Code, since the beginning of the Jedi Order.

            “I pledge myself to you, Qui-Gon,” Mace said, somehow managing to keep his voice steady.

            “I pledge myself to you, Mace,” Qui-Gon said, and neither man was ashamed of the tears that fell quietly down their faces.

            And then, Obi-Wan stepped forward, clasping their joined hands in his own.

            “I pledge myself to you, my fathers,” he said, and he exuded a confidence that made the elder Jedi’s hearts ache.

            Before the men could speak, however, Yoda was levitating himself so that he could clasp their hands in his.

            “Pledge myself to you, I do, sons mine and grandson mine.” Yoda paused. “By the Force, this day, family, we are.”

            They stood like that for an endless moment, knowing that, too soon, they would have to face what waited for them beyond the cocoon of the Force’s blessing. The future was, after all, always in motion.

            But for one moment, for that one singular glorious moment, time itself was theirs.

            It was enough.


End file.
